Humor humor stories

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The Secret Life of Bellingham Sam

humor magnificent1rascal 2018-01-30

She was still wearing the gorgeous camisole when he began massaging her shoulders, but soon sat forward a few inches and lifted her arms in a silent signal that it was time for the garment to come off, and Sam happily removed both it and his tee shirt. He could tell she was getting close to orgasm, and was grateful because he also knew he couldn’t last much longer; the taunting her fingers were performing on him, coupled with the fantasy that had enabled him to while away the time during the slow drive home, had him primed to shoot his load like a horny 16-year-old, but he dutifully held out for her signal.

Pete And Joe Get Laid (Second Stab At Humor In Sex)

humor DirtyMartini 2018-01-29

"You did order the pizza," Pete asks quizzically, "right Joe?" Jose leaves the apartment as Pete and Joe stare at the pizza on the table like they are waiting for it to get up and dance. "Pete man, do you feel like renting a skin flick on pay for view?" Joe asks. "You know how the pizza delivery guy is always getting all the babes in the porn flicks?" asks Joe. "Would you ladies like to join my friend and myself for a drink?" Joe asks in a friendly tone. The men get a good night’s sleep and the next day Joe looks on the net and finds the location of the nearest SLAA women's meeting.

Chill Pill

humor ClarkRoberts 2018-01-29

I said, “You can’t go out there like that, maybe if I suck your cock it will go down.” Looking up at Myron, I said, “Myron, you’re fucking huge.” I kissed the tip of his monster then smiled up at him and said huskily, "You have very beautiful cock, Myron." Looking at Myron’s still swollen cock, I said, “Looks like that blowjob wasn’t fantastic enough.” Using the flood of my excitement, Myron worked the rest of his enormously long and extremely hard cock inside me, finally bottoming out against my cervix. Slowly, Myron withdrew his cock until just the head remained inside my pussy. Later, as my team celebrated our success with Champaign, Roland asked, “So Boss, what was the deal with Myron?”

Beginner's Meeting, A Play (Third stab at humor)

humor DirtyMartini 2018-01-29

Charles: Welcome to the Parlin, New Jersey Beginner’s meeting of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. Charles: (passes around basket) Also, I would like to say that there is coffee and donuts on the table for your enjoyment. Charles: OK, Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is a 12-step group designed to help people with sex addictions. Like, she, um, she says I spend too much time on the computer since I joined this sex fantasy site. Alan: She says me being on this sex fantasy site can only lead to no good. Bob: No, Sheepy-Poo does not like that word. The Parlin, New Jersey Beginner's Group of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous will now come to a close.

First Time With Sherry

humor David929 2018-01-29

I laughed it off, but did mention it to Sherry in my next note, adding that a former co-worker did spank me and that I was a bit scared when she said that she had forgot her paddle. Upon my next trip to the store, I snuck a note to her, which included my address and phone number, letting her know that anytime she needed a good laugh, she was more than welcome to stop over. "I said "Thank you, mommy." You swatted me on my bare ass and that's what a mommy does to her naughty boy, right?" I gave her cute ass a gentle pat over her jeans, as well, causing her to blush. The idea of stopping by her place did interest me and who knows what sort of naughty fun we could get into.

Cockshock, Chapter 1

humor Emerson501 2018-01-28

Reginald Woodrow Buttress felt the deep throb before he opened his eyes. Wrapping his long fingers around his pulsing, rock hard member, Reginald began his typical stroke, slow and light with a little twist at the top. Tom started to ask what he would like to eat and the strange man pushed him hard against the wall, reducing him to a pile of limbs and apron on the floor. When he eventually opened his eyes, he found an old man standing over him, a disgusted gaze on the stiffy that tented Reginald’s pants. Come here, son.” The man extended a yellow hand to help him up but Reginald jerked away from it, like it was a snake. The woman urged Reginald forward, continuing through the waiting room to another hallway, and finally to an exam room.

The Lady of the House

humor gypsygyrl 2018-01-28

He leaned forward and repeated the statement, even cockier this time, “I said, nothing makes you look good.” “Damn it, Ray. You could have said, ‘You look best with nothing on’ or maybe, ‘You’d look better if you took it off.’ But you actually used ‘Nothing makes you look good’.”  I closed my eyes, surrendering to the feeling as Ray gently lay on top and began kissing me, softly at first and then with more urgency as his tongue explored my mouth. “How could you possibly think a can of cold whipped cream squirted inside me would be a good idea?”  Ray sat on the edge of the bed wiping whipped cream off his face and holding the champagne bottle.

More Fun Time With Sherry

humor David929 2018-01-27

I tell Sherry that my mother needs to cut the apron strings and quit being so nosy, making her laugh. They are told about me and act like I was intruding on their turf. Sherry has to be polite and give a general response, telling them that I am a friend and that we are seeing each other. After awhile, she starts to put her foot down with her friends, reminding them that it is her place and that she wants more privacy. Sherry goes on to tell me that since she now has all of the needed measurements that she can now buy me things and know they will fit properly.

Peek-a-Boo, I-See-You

humor Green_Man 2018-01-27

As I walked towards the coffee shop, I felt the breeze blowing up my short, flimsy skirt, feeling pert, all alert. Then I slowly started spreading my legs to give him and him alone a good shot of my sweet cunny with its triangle of blond hair, so fair and rare. I looked over and was startled to see he had wrapped a hand around his cock, protruding from his shorts, and was jerking off as I diddled my cunny. I was fucking my fingers into my pussy and he was jacking his hard cock. There I poured my coffee into his cup and slowly savored the life sustaining taste of man cum.

Shopping trips with Sherry

humor David929 2018-01-25

Sherry tells her that I need to remain there a bare minimum of fifteen minutes, prompting a laugh. Sandy laughs and comments that all naughty boys need kept in tow, also noticing that a few have added their name to the larger paddle. Sherry has replaced my pink thong with one in a floral print and asks me to model it before putting on my jeans, causing more laughs. "Also, if our Davey needs corner time during a show," Sherry adds, "please see to it. I then put my thong in the hamper and am walked to the corner totally naked by Sherry, causing much laughter and whistles. Sherry has a ready supply of lightweight paddles for each new Mommy, while some had me also sign ones they brought along and used on me.

There Is Nothing To Be seen

humor Adagio 2018-01-25

Next to laying my penis on top of the liverwurst, topped by the bread and jacking off with it, there ain't nothing better then with wax paper. It had been several weeks ago, while visiting a local nursery, I happen to run into Dionaea (Dione) Muscipula, my now new girl friend. Although looking for blue fescue seeds for the home terrace I was immediately smitten by her. Hurley (my best friend) was a medical school drop out in 1947 and now was Assistant Manager of Last Resort Car wash and was always featured as geriatric chamois and passenger side of the month employee. I thought it time for Hurley to look at her, seeing as he did have some medical schooling.


Sex Fantasy TV, A Play (Sixth Stab)

humor DirtyMartini 2018-01-24

Peter: Good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the Sex Fantasy TV Edition of The Newlywed Game. I am your host, Peter Long broadcasting from Studio One in Sex Fantasy Land. (The camera pans to the stage where Debbie is standing next to a table full of assorted sex toys and pointing.) Peter: I'm sorry Richard that is not what your wife said. Peter: I'm sorry Sam, that is not how your wife answered. Peter: I'm sorry Gordon, that is not what Irene said. Robin, we asked Richard if he thinks about you during lovemaking. Peter: I'm sorry Robin, that is not what Richard said. (Camera pans back to Peter, the host as the couples start to fight.)

Healthcare Reform (A nurse fantasy)

humor DirtyMartini 2018-01-24

A few minutes later I was called to an examination room by a rather hot looking blond haired nurse. I noticed that she just stood there looking at me with those big blue eyes and a sly grin on her face. Don't worry, it won't hurt a bit." She said with a giggle and a grin, "I'm just going to pass Miss Kitty over your whole body. Dr. Finebutt seemed to sense the need of the patient and began to provide relief as only a good doctor could as she eased herself onto my very stiff cock. Better than I have in years." I replied, "In fact, I feel like a new man."

Dream Job (Everyman's Fantasy)

humor DirtyMartini 2018-01-21

"I think students should be taught real life skills," said the woman in a determined voice, "Like oral sex." "Yes, Mr. Chairman," said Miss Dover quietly. "Mr. Chairman," said Miss Dover in a quiet deliberate tone, "I have done some research and asked people who I acknowledge to be experts in the field and they all tell me the same thing." "Actually, you will be teaching oral sex to high school seniors at a prestigious all-girls’ school in Southern California," she said as she leaned over and touched my arm. For a moment there is sounded like you said I will be teaching oral sex at an all-girls school in Southern California." I was surprised I got those words out.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

humor L8LastNight 2018-01-21

“You really slipped a hell of a lot of rum in Kara’s nog,” Allyson whispered, leaning in close to Tru on the sofa. The two of them, along with Fatema and Peri who were seated on the rug, watched as Kara stumbled around the room, semi-delirious. Fatema flashed a scolding frown toward Tru. She said to Kara, “Dinner was amazing! Allyson was about to set aside her present when Kara said, “You have to wear it, Al.” Fatema and Peri gawked and giggled as Tru and Allyson both grabbed hold of the giant dildo and spread their lips around it like two ends of a jumbo dog. Ten minutes later, Kara slumped in her chair, oven mitts over her face and the offending thick, black dildo still in her hand.

Asphalt And Fescue

humor Adagio 2018-01-21

Then, she graduated to making porn films at the Michigan Raceway, during a pit stop, as the crowd was singing 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia.' In the opening scene, she was hunching a wheel-jack and giving head to the guy scraping bugs off the air-intake of a racing machine. Two wooden Indians that may have been her idea of gargoyles stood at each end of the trailer, looking down on me. Her nipples, pierced with green plastic safety pins, looked like cracked walnuts peeking from beneath shorts. She explained to me that she has lost her hearing, and I immediately looked down to assist her in finding her earring, remembering that she was illiterate, and never got past the third grade, like I did. Popping her chewing gum, Bobby Jo took my hand, her saddlebag ass jostling from beneath her Daisy Dukes.

Dating in North Dallas

humor MrDeep 2018-01-20

I told the dating service that I wanted women who knew how to dance ball room. “I got it at a liquor store on the way.” She said it like, “Doesn’t everyone buy whiskey and drink it on the way home?” I enjoy listening you chat with your fiends while I pay for this date.” That’s what I should have said. We are going to your place and listen to music.” That is how I ended up entertaining four North Dallas girls all afternoon in my condo. I suddenly had a feeling I wanted to buy her the obligatory cup of French coffee, chat with her, and go back to the nightmare of dating in North Dallas.

I Vont Yu Tureen

humor Adagio 2018-01-19

I vampire, (Ezekiel) a living dead body. Often my conscience, a little church mouse, telling me, "I'm fucked up." Only to let me play in her tureen and her little pink (cunt) slipper. Her sphincter cleaving me, like a winking eye, blinded by light. Wanting to suck bacon (blood) before the dawn came up. Recently departing Idaho, after a run in with a potato hugging bitch. Her neon tattoos and the vascular atlas of her flesh swooning me a nine o'clock entry, as my one tooth scented her blood. Often, Dr. Neu Monia, doctor to the undead, would provide tomato aspic high energy bars to hold me over. She released a stream of urine with the heat of a double broiler. My cock plowing her pink slipper, as I sucked her blood.

Dante Abbracciavento PI: Find the man with the buckles on his shoes - Pt 3

humor gilrenard 2018-01-18

Marie looked at Viv and winked as she coyly asked, "Welcome to Little Italy, Dante's Girl. While Marie and Viv were laughing it up, I arrived at the furniture factory that Uri runs his operation out of. I had called Uri and told him that eight in the morning didn’t work for me. I caught her fucking Chang, and threatened to tell dad unless I got something I wanted,” Ling answered. Marie called Viv and laughed as she said to her, "Viv, you're gonna want to come down and watch the G and D drama queen show." Sometimes I think they're both not right in the head." She turned to Marie and said, "Marie, tell Viv how my Gino proposed to you."

Putting On My High Top Galoshes

humor Adagio 2018-01-17

I had my right leg crossed over my left knee as I was sort of swinging it...hoping Elma would like my new over the shoe, high top black galoshes. was my inability to sleep unless I had a pickle loaf sandwich before calling it a night, hoping the bedbugs don't bite. Being as I had to go out in the back yard to get the pickle loaf, I didn't want to be to conspicuous seeing as I had on high top galoshes. I set straight up in bed, knowing the tainted pickle loaf had caused nightmares. Welcome Al, as a giant pickle loaf wearing galoshes offered me a sandwich.

I Vont Yu Hoppin' John

humor Adagio 2018-01-16

As a hundred yards off the beach, raising a small sail, a portmanteau caught the wind. My penis lay shriveled across a thigh of her rubber chicken as her crotch dumplings began to rise. In the middle of the room a dark brume hung over a portmanteau that sat on small caster wheels. As the tremors slowly massage the flooring, the portmanteau started to scooch toward the door that came open with the tremblings. The harlots were scampering in undress and holding their noses as they past Ezekiel's now ajar door. At that moment the door was smashed open by a flying apparatus, resembling a portmanteau, with an old geezer astride. "Fuck her like a dog, Ezekiel."

Lushie Christmas

humor meredith 2018-01-15

Santa looks over the gathering crowd of elves, “Who was responsible for programming the delivery system this year?” Looking for the right words the lone elf begins, "They decided that if some Naughty Girls and Boys got presents on Christmas that it might turn them nice. I'll tell one thing, those young girls have a lot energy that can really test guy, but those older gals sure could Jingle Old Santa's Bells.” Giving the elf a playful punch that sends him reeling into the snow, “If you know what I mean?” Running to catch up with Santa the elf queries, “So you really want the naughty girls on the list next year again?”

I Vont Yu Beef Curtains

humor Adagio 2018-01-15

It was show time, the lights dimmed and Honeysuckle came to the stage. Dancing slowly and very seductively starting to strip. Her busts threatening to burst out. She unbuttoned the front of her dress. She played with her pussy lips and they fluttered a cheer to the chairs. The customers were throwing cash and bottle caps on the stage. Between the darken streets and 12 steps shadowed from the sun, the life of a vampire is always on the run. Wafting like legs, with a creeping personality and putrefaction of vampire ambrosia. The night played out as I hungered between her thighs, and she scratched her initials on my back, before the moon expired. The confessional box reeking of sex and blood on the apse.

My Recurring Lush Nightmare

humor FirstBlush 2018-01-14

"Chris!" With that exuberant syllable I drop the packages just inside the front door and start to rush toward my adorable boyfriend who isn't supposed to be here until tomorrow, but something in his face freeze-frames me like Roadrunner over its ersatz Latin caption. But when in deep anything, keep your mouth shut, so I say not a word and let him spin me in an exaggerated twirl before he pulls me assertively into his arms. "I knew this guy who sent the same set of dirty instructions to all his friends and it pissed me off and I sassed him in schoolgirl character and two stories came out of it." I need to shut up, and fast.