Humor humor stories
Read 72 free humor erotic stories on AdultRead
I left off as Hurley and Zelda were moped-bopping. I pulled the BMW R16 moto-cycle with sidecar into the lot of the Boll-Weevil Motel. Finally getting settled in the room, Zelda was taking a shower. He took a peek and watched Zelda and the housemaid wilding away in April Showers bath salts. She must have entered the room when he was squinting. Zelda's clit was hung up in the faucet and the maids tits were floating like water wings. The maid did hip service as she donned a robe and left as Zelda came out the bath wearing a shower cap. Later that night has Zelda slept I reopen the laptop to the same chat room.
A few of the men had suggested to Tracy that since she gave incredible cyber-sex, maybe she should start to write erotic stories. Tracy slipped her finger into her bald pussy and began to fuck herself. Tracy then typed back to her friend that her pussy was so wet. Just as Tracy was about to orgasm her Hitachi Magic Wand started to spark and caught on fire. Tracy was a very wet girl and she always seemed to short out the damn vibrators. Tracy was going to be getting her Hitachi wand tomorrow from Amazon, but still wanted something for her orgasm today. Tracy started to notice all these men coming into the store and going to a back room.
Then, she graduated to making porn films at the Michigan Raceway, during a pit stop, as the crowd was singing 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia.' In the opening scene, she was hunching a wheel-jack and giving head to the guy scraping bugs off the air-intake of a racing machine. Two wooden Indians that may have been her idea of gargoyles stood at each end of the trailer, looking down on me. Her nipples, pierced with green plastic safety pins, looked like cracked walnuts peeking from beneath shorts. She explained to me that she has lost her hearing, and I immediately looked down to assist her in finding her earring, remembering that she was illiterate, and never got past the third grade, like I did. Popping her chewing gum, Bobby Jo took my hand, her saddlebag ass jostling from beneath her Daisy Dukes.
“You really slipped a hell of a lot of rum in Kara’s nog,” Allyson whispered, leaning in close to Tru on the sofa. The two of them, along with Fatema and Peri who were seated on the rug, watched as Kara stumbled around the room, semi-delirious. Fatema flashed a scolding frown toward Tru. She said to Kara, “Dinner was amazing! Allyson was about to set aside her present when Kara said, “You have to wear it, Al.” Fatema and Peri gawked and giggled as Tru and Allyson both grabbed hold of the giant dildo and spread their lips around it like two ends of a jumbo dog. Ten minutes later, Kara slumped in her chair, oven mitts over her face and the offending thick, black dildo still in her hand.
Horseputty says to BigTits: I like your avatar Horseputty says to FeloniousGooch69: why are you showing me your fat ass ZelGooch says to FeloniousGooch69: Hurley, I thought you were going bowling BigTits says to FeloniousGooch69: stick that cigarette up your ass FeloniousGooch69 says to BigTits: you should see Zelgooch chew gum with her pussy Horseputty says to ZelGooch69:what are you going to do with the roller skates FeloniousGooch69 says to BigTits: do you take it in the ass Beckky4U says to ZelGooch: a 5 minute time out for cam abuse BigTits says to FeloniousGooch69: why do you squint your eyes when you grab your metal nozzle FeloniousGooch69 says: I have a booger on my screen, looks like it has legs
Santa looks over the gathering crowd of elves, “Who was responsible for programming the delivery system this year?” Looking for the right words the lone elf begins, "They decided that if some Naughty Girls and Boys got presents on Christmas that it might turn them nice. I'll tell one thing, those young girls have a lot energy that can really test guy, but those older gals sure could Jingle Old Santa's Bells.” Giving the elf a playful punch that sends him reeling into the snow, “If you know what I mean?” Running to catch up with Santa the elf queries, “So you really want the naughty girls on the list next year again?”
I tell Sherry that my mother needs to cut the apron strings and quit being so nosy, making her laugh. They are told about me and act like I was intruding on their turf. Sherry has to be polite and give a general response, telling them that I am a friend and that we are seeing each other. After awhile, she starts to put her foot down with her friends, reminding them that it is her place and that she wants more privacy. Sherry goes on to tell me that since she now has all of the needed measurements that she can now buy me things and know they will fit properly.
Next to laying my penis on top of the liverwurst, topped by the bread and jacking off with it, there ain't nothing better then with wax paper. It had been several weeks ago, while visiting a local nursery, I happen to run into Dionaea (Dione) Muscipula, my now new girl friend. Although looking for blue fescue seeds for the home terrace I was immediately smitten by her. Hurley (my best friend) was a medical school drop out in 1947 and now was Assistant Manager of Last Resort Car wash and was always featured as geriatric chamois and passenger side of the month employee. I thought it time for Hurley to look at her, seeing as he did have some medical schooling.
The Vampire ladies having a wake sale of stale tomato aspic (a placebo for blood) to fatten the meager cougher's of the coven. She grasped my cock and bestowed on it a slippery kiss, as I eased on down to her cunt. "Have you ever tried eating pussy, wearing a crash helmet and magnifying goggles with a snorkel?" I was at a disadvantage, with the doctor's safety accouterments, but I gave my cock a good showing. Pecan being my weakness. Silently, in my bestest vampire canter, I eased up to the window. She was sitting in a hair salon chair, paging through a horoscope and dinosaur magazine. Making me home sick, with memories of the invention of the square wheel.
Prior to the police getting there, my mom had stuck her head out the door saying, "Sleet falling in buckets." I was cited for disturbance of the peace because some damn fool made an idiot of himself calling the radio station. Seeing as how the only street is a circle and one-way, I passed my new office up four times before I found it because it was against the law to backup. Later that afternoon, when I return to the office from lunch, Ginger told me to leave the front door open. The following day, less a chase vehicle, I ask Morp if there were any Escorts in town.
As I walked towards the coffee shop, I felt the breeze blowing up my short, flimsy skirt, feeling pert, all alert. Then I slowly started spreading my legs to give him and him alone a good shot of my sweet cunny with its triangle of blond hair, so fair and rare. I looked over and was startled to see he had wrapped a hand around his cock, protruding from his shorts, and was jerking off as I diddled my cunny. I was fucking my fingers into my pussy and he was jacking his hard cock. There I poured my coffee into his cup and slowly savored the life sustaining taste of man cum.
She possessed the type of body the late Aldous Huxley would no doubt have described as, “pneumatic.” While her long legs, shapely bottom and generous bosom diverted the attention of most men, those who managed to lift their gaze would behold an exquisite, Madonna-like face that featured dark brown eyes, full lips, and a smile that was both beatific and seductive. She didn’t agree to spend the weekend with a guy like Ralph, then hike all the way up here, just to screw in some dirty, stuffy cabin when they could be making love beside such a beautiful wonder of nature. Days later, as the Earth Day celebration on the park-like campus at Wodehouse College was breaking up, Angie noticed Ernie talking with Etta and her main squeeze, Willie Sinclair.
Though I rarely logged onto the site during working hours, I often thought about it. One day during a chat, a girl told me of an online encounter she had with another woman. She told me she had cybersex with another woman and she found it very arousing because it had been a long time fantasy to be with another girl. Though the possibility of me observing two girls cybering seemed like just a dream, it was a fantasy I could not get out of my mind. The next day at work I logged on to the site early. "I am getting horny just thinking about meeting a new girl." She wrote on the screen.
Like other members of the family flock, I attended Dartmouth University, majoring in mediocrity and minoring in meteorology, following in my uncle's footsteps, chasing tornadoes and aspiring stage dancers... In spite of my freaking insomnia, I rendered my pen to writing erotica and, at the same time, practised new knots on green ivy while practising self restraint bondage. Lost in the bushes of the maze, he would many times have to send up smoke signals, like the heathens of the swamps, for assistance. As small particles of light came in from around the creases of the closed window, creating shadows on the walls as she mimed that of a horny large bird seeking worms to feed her diet of the moment, penises in a row of all different sizes and communions.
They let us sleep in,” I commented to Charlotte, after the twins barreled into our room to let us know that it was time to wake up one Sunday morning. Despite my earlier tacit confidence at being able to pull this off with a minimum of noise, I wasn’t sure that the kind of vigorous lovemaking we’d need for her to cum would be possible without making the bed squeak too much. My tongue found that wonderful spot right under her clit, and I licked it hard and aggressively, the way she liked, and when I felt her getting close, I let my tongue flick oh-so-lightly over her clit.
I told the dating service that I wanted women who knew how to dance ball room. “I got it at a liquor store on the way.” She said it like, “Doesn’t everyone buy whiskey and drink it on the way home?” I enjoy listening you chat with your fiends while I pay for this date.” That’s what I should have said. We are going to your place and listen to music.” That is how I ended up entertaining four North Dallas girls all afternoon in my condo. I suddenly had a feeling I wanted to buy her the obligatory cup of French coffee, chat with her, and go back to the nightmare of dating in North Dallas.
The two rooms were small but adequate, and my landlady, Mrs. Quagmire, seemed nice and pleasant, having the scent of cinnamon bread. Leaning forward, naked in a kitchen chair, his belly fat hung down between his legs and he was having a difficult time attempting to put a cock ring on his penis. Then, came a knocking on my door from Mrs. Quagmire. Having to give 2percentcream a rain check (it seldom rains in Arizona), I ate them as I heard the Indian crank over. Once again, a knocking came at my door as the old broad said, "it's a parakeet, Taffy." Behind his chair, he had his Harley parked in the kitchen, and Mrs. Quagmire was polishing his handle bars.
As a hundred yards off the beach, raising a small sail, a portmanteau caught the wind. My penis lay shriveled across a thigh of her rubber chicken as her crotch dumplings began to rise. In the middle of the room a dark brume hung over a portmanteau that sat on small caster wheels. As the tremors slowly massage the flooring, the portmanteau started to scooch toward the door that came open with the tremblings. The harlots were scampering in undress and holding their noses as they past Ezekiel's now ajar door. At that moment the door was smashed open by a flying apparatus, resembling a portmanteau, with an old geezer astride. "Fuck her like a dog, Ezekiel."
Leo smiled and held up his hands as he spoke, “We’re only here to talk, Dante. If you don’t trust me anymore, maybe it’s time I moved shop and let you deal with the cops,” I snarled back, there was no fucking way I was going to bend over and take it in the ass. I closed the door behind them; I turned to Viv and said, "Hell of a first day on the job." I smiled at her, letting her know she was safe. She straddled me as she shook her head slowly and said, "No, I want to feel you inside me now." She grabbed my cock and positioned her hips over it.
I had butterflies in my stomach because I was going to become that guy who nailed Becky Waters, the most popular girl in school. I was that guy who kissed Becky Waters outside the cinema. As the movie started going, Becky began shovelling popcorn into her mouth. It reached the hour mark in the film and by this time, I was starting to lose hope until finally I felt her hand push a piece of popcorn against my cock. The blood started to rush into my length as it was at long last going to happen, Becky Waters was going to feel my manhood and get turned on by it.
I actually did agree with the old monster, so I nodded and replied, "Yes, that is so true, but I'm sure you have your sources." I wasn't about to reveal that I'd twigged onto a cache of goodies owned by the late Pol Pot. "Good boy!" Scorn roared, a smile beaming across his lovely mouth. Scorn smiled and said "That's just a little bonus, from me to you Mendel. She said "Don't come back, Mendel." I thought that was an excellent bit of advice and I planned to take it deeply into my cold dead beating heart. I in turn rubbed her tiny breasts and the nipples exploded into hard little nubs, like acorns under her rough shift.
I said, “You can’t go out there like that, maybe if I suck your cock it will go down.” Looking up at Myron, I said, “Myron, you’re fucking huge.” I kissed the tip of his monster then smiled up at him and said huskily, "You have very beautiful cock, Myron." Looking at Myron’s still swollen cock, I said, “Looks like that blowjob wasn’t fantastic enough.” Using the flood of my excitement, Myron worked the rest of his enormously long and extremely hard cock inside me, finally bottoming out against my cervix. Slowly, Myron withdrew his cock until just the head remained inside my pussy. Later, as my team celebrated our success with Champaign, Roland asked, “So Boss, what was the deal with Myron?”
I was sitting in the passenger seat with my legs and arms crossed, pretending to ignore him as I looked out the window, watching the traffic slowly move by. “Yes, I do but more importantly right now, I want you naked so stop trying to change the subject and take off the dress, beautiful," he teased as he winked at me. I saw him quickly look out the windshield to check traffic before turning towards me, leaning in to pull the material down and take hold of my right breast in his big hand. My lips parted and covered the head of his stiff member and once I enveloped the tip, I immediately felt his fist grip onto my hair and heard him let out a low moan.
I vampire, (Ezekiel) a living dead body. Often my conscience, a little church mouse, telling me, "I'm fucked up." Only to let me play in her tureen and her little pink (cunt) slipper. Her sphincter cleaving me, like a winking eye, blinded by light. Wanting to suck bacon (blood) before the dawn came up. Recently departing Idaho, after a run in with a potato hugging bitch. Her neon tattoos and the vascular atlas of her flesh swooning me a nine o'clock entry, as my one tooth scented her blood. Often, Dr. Neu Monia, doctor to the undead, would provide tomato aspic high energy bars to hold me over. She released a stream of urine with the heat of a double broiler. My cock plowing her pink slipper, as I sucked her blood.