Erotic Humor stories
A large collection of weird and funny sex sex stories.
We've seen that bedroom fantasies and dirty talk in bed can be a huge turn on, and can also improve your sex life by miles in the introduction article. But after seeing how dirty talking in bed can actually lead to mistrust if not kept in check, you may want to know if bedroom fantasies are a boon or a bane to couples in love. If your wife's hot single friend turns you on, or your husband's eligible bachelor pal makes you weak in your knees, you better be careful about talking about that same person while having sex all the time.
I left off as Hurley and Zelda were moped-bopping. I pulled the BMW R16 moto-cycle with sidecar into the lot of the Boll-Weevil Motel. Finally getting settled in the room, Zelda was taking a shower. He took a peek and watched Zelda and the housemaid wilding away in April Showers bath salts. She must have entered the room when he was squinting. Zelda's clit was hung up in the faucet and the maids tits were floating like water wings. The maid did hip service as she donned a robe and left as Zelda came out the bath wearing a shower cap. Later that night has Zelda slept I reopen the laptop to the same chat room.
Later the next morning after a shower and having breakfast, wearing only my new swim shorts, I began to wander about the big house looking for Roxanne and Carla. "I never thought I'd have an encounter with a cock like this," added Carla as she and Roxanne slowly stroked my throbbing pecker. With Roxanne on her hands and knees, face buried in my butt crack and her ass pointed up towards the sky, Carla slid down behind her and planted her tongue between Roxanne's sweaty butt cheeks. Their faces came together and I watched as Carla's white-cum-covered tongue uncurled into Roxanne's soft full lips, diving into her mouth. As I stood there, naked, with my penis thickly covered in sand and Roxanne and Carla still wrapped together in the blanket, Fitzgerald looked us over very curiously.
A few of the men had suggested to Tracy that since she gave incredible cyber-sex, maybe she should start to write erotic stories. Tracy slipped her finger into her bald pussy and began to fuck herself. Tracy then typed back to her friend that her pussy was so wet. Just as Tracy was about to orgasm her Hitachi Magic Wand started to spark and caught on fire. Tracy was a very wet girl and she always seemed to short out the damn vibrators. Tracy was going to be getting her Hitachi wand tomorrow from Amazon, but still wanted something for her orgasm today. Tracy started to notice all these men coming into the store and going to a back room.
We were up to three times a week having sex using the big black plastic cock on my pussy. “Would you like my big cock to fuck you right now,” his deep voice was seducing me. I pushed the big plastic cock into my pussy and began to fuck myself. The sight of Devonte’s big throbbing cock exploding like a geyser had turned me from a faithful wife into HIS SLUT. “See that wimp, your wife wants my big cock!!!” Devonte announced to my husband through the computer speaker. "I think you're going to be spending a lot of time watching me ruin my married pussy with Devonte's big bad cock."
Back at the table, Raoul’s sweatshirt was followed in short order by his sweatpants. These, too, tore away just as easily, revealing the nude body beneath; but here, Raoul was more naturally male, sporting an impressively thick erection that he stroked with one hand whilst he pinched at his nipples with the other, all the while staring directly at Anthony. Finally alone at the table, Anthony sighed to himself. Karl was going to kill him for sure – but it wasn’t his fault this time, surely he’d have to see that? How the hell am I supposed to say 'no' if a man wants to jerk off onto my face? It was bound to be all over the news tomorrow; shit, it’d be surprising if the incident didn’t headline the nationals.
We drove out to the interstate and had a real nice dinner at the Holiday Inn. The two of us reconnected right away just like the last ten years never happened. When we got back to her place, I sat down and relaxed on Dawn's big leather sofa while she excused herself to go change into somethin' more comfortable. You see, Dawn's pants were made outta some kind of soft denim that just clung to her little body like spandex. That fucking Homer called me up out of the blue and asked me out to dinner. Since it was still early when we got back to my house, I asked Homer to come in for a glass of wine.
Heat-activated, anti-wrinkle, iPod-charging … today's bras are about as high-tech as computers. A well-fitting bra does two things: It supports and it enhances. And that's not because today's bras, high-tech or not, aren't perfectly wonderful and well-designed. The right bra makes a woman feel more comfortable and look younger and thinner. The wrong bra makes a woman look older and dumpier. We'll go through the steps involved in calculating an accurate bra size, find out how a bra is supposed to fit and see how to tell if it doesn't. While finding the right bra can sometimes be an epic journey, it's easy enough to figure out if the one you're wearing is wrong.
"Paige, you're bonkers!" interrupted Azalea, "You're just imagining things now, I think it's all getting too much for you, just because I've got a boyfriend and Mrs J's found thingies in the loo." The girl opened the door and Azalea and Jared could see a large, rough-looking man in profile. "Well," said Azalea, "I think he likes to have a thermos with him so he can have a nice cup of tea, perhaps sometimes he nods off and spills it or something, how should I know, anyway, what does it matter?" She was cross with Leah now. Azalea and Paige giggled, while meanwhile Tony roughly turned Mrs Jameson round and bent her forward over the cistern.
Over the years, Georgette has developed a real love of sucking cock and the thing is that she doesn’t care when or where, as long as she gets it. Even though Georgette was next to me, the several other guys that were, as usual milling around the department looking at stuff were all discretely checking her out. The poor guy was awe struck; he couldn’t believe that Georgette was on her knees with his cock into her mouth. It took over fifteen minutes for Georgette to coax his cum from the treasured cock in her mouth but finally she did, it was all he could do to hold in his moans and groans. As she smiled at all the guys, the salesman looked at her, and breathless said, “Damn lady, you’re hot.”
Touching Bear’s hand while bending farther than necessary and changing the subject to more personal questions Cyn soon clued Bear that real estate was not going to be the topic. She usually gets a new outfit every time she finds a new love interest,” Dave seemed to be covering for Cyn’s tardy appearance, “She likes to have a small audience in case things progress too quickly or her partner runs out of steam before she arrives at her destination if, you know what I mean. Dave stood and sauntered off toward his conference room office as Cyn took Bear’s hand and led him down the hallway.
You don’t need to constantly go in and out to bring your girl to orgasm -- it's usually the opposite. Don’t think that if you do the same thing you did last time (or with the last girl) she will react the same way. Don’t make her feel like she is your personal sex object -- she is the woman you are having sex with, not the toy you bought that you can dismantle and stare at. One of the best things about watching porn is that sex is never taken too seriously. Porn should inspire you to get your partner to masturbate in front of you -- a very healthy addition to your sex life.
Then, she graduated to making porn films at the Michigan Raceway, during a pit stop, as the crowd was singing 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia.' In the opening scene, she was hunching a wheel-jack and giving head to the guy scraping bugs off the air-intake of a racing machine. Two wooden Indians that may have been her idea of gargoyles stood at each end of the trailer, looking down on me. Her nipples, pierced with green plastic safety pins, looked like cracked walnuts peeking from beneath shorts. She explained to me that she has lost her hearing, and I immediately looked down to assist her in finding her earring, remembering that she was illiterate, and never got past the third grade, like I did. Popping her chewing gum, Bobby Jo took my hand, her saddlebag ass jostling from beneath her Daisy Dukes.
"Wow, mother, I see that you really love to be collared and dog leashed, like a doggy bitch don't you?" Ashok asked me while looked down on my cum dripping pussy. "Not just your nipples Mom, I want to pierce and ring your pussy lips too." Ashok said calmly then casually reach between my soaking wet thighs. I'm going to brand the words 'PRIVATE PROPERTY OF ASHOK' in large block letters with the laser deep into the flesh of your creamy ass cheeks slave Mom, and your breasts and pussy lips are also going to be branded with my name as well!"
But unlike Andrew, who would be perfectly content to spend the rest of his life with the only person he felt he could feel comfortable with - himself - Elizabeth very much wanted to find someone she could call her own. They finished eating their meals and as Andrew got up to head back to his lab, he paused for a moment to look at the girl who had been sitting at his table. Andrew got to the point where he actually held conversation with Elizabeth and she began looking forward to lunch with what she considered her beau. Andrew took a small step backwards and as their eyes locked onto one another, he began slowly, cautiously, to slip the straps of her dress off her shoulders one at a time.
My wife, Justine, and I are a little ahead of Mark and Sarah in the family stakes. It didn’t matter how much Sarah and I denied it, and how many dates and diaries we checked, Mark was adamant, I had screwed his wife, and she had my child. I would like a samples from both of you of your blood, your tissue, and your semen,” the consultant said as looked at us over his steepled fingers. “Well, perhaps not your brother’s penis, but certainly his testis,” Old Steeple Fingers said, and instantly regretted it. “I know you have always wanted to get Sarah pregnant, looks like you managed it,” Justine giggled and went to sleep.
“You really slipped a hell of a lot of rum in Kara’s nog,” Allyson whispered, leaning in close to Tru on the sofa. The two of them, along with Fatema and Peri who were seated on the rug, watched as Kara stumbled around the room, semi-delirious. Fatema flashed a scolding frown toward Tru. She said to Kara, “Dinner was amazing! Allyson was about to set aside her present when Kara said, “You have to wear it, Al.” Fatema and Peri gawked and giggled as Tru and Allyson both grabbed hold of the giant dildo and spread their lips around it like two ends of a jumbo dog. Ten minutes later, Kara slumped in her chair, oven mitts over her face and the offending thick, black dildo still in her hand.
There was a small yet noticeable bulge in his towel, like a caterpillar pushing up a leaf. Soon his step mother tipped the blouse from her shoulders and allowed it to glide down her arms and on to the floor. He grabbed his cock and tugged at it furiously, as hard as he tried to think of Sandra and the imminent hand job, his step mother's curvy semi-naked figure kept popping into his head, welcomed and unwelcome in equal measure. He had amassed an impressive collection of images for his wank bank slide show over the years yet that one slide of his step mother in her undies always found its way onto the reel, and usually just as the imaginary slideshow was coming to and end and he was at the point of no return.
I love touching my nipples and since I began watching porn, I often thought of seducing Mr Sharma who looked sad to me sometimes. He is happy that I dont fuck men." She began tracing lines on my palm with her fingertips "Well," Mrs Sharma said, "If you like I can show you what you could do with a woman and if you like it we can be lovers otherwise, we give up. Mrs Sharma began stroking my long hair with one hand as she gently sucked on my mouth. Neelu said with a smile,"I've never tasted anyone who is as sweet as you." Lowering her head again, she began to lap and I felt the hardening of my clit under her magic tongue.
Horseputty says to BigTits: I like your avatar Horseputty says to FeloniousGooch69: why are you showing me your fat ass ZelGooch says to FeloniousGooch69: Hurley, I thought you were going bowling BigTits says to FeloniousGooch69: stick that cigarette up your ass FeloniousGooch69 says to BigTits: you should see Zelgooch chew gum with her pussy Horseputty says to ZelGooch69:what are you going to do with the roller skates FeloniousGooch69 says to BigTits: do you take it in the ass Beckky4U says to ZelGooch: a 5 minute time out for cam abuse BigTits says to FeloniousGooch69: why do you squint your eyes when you grab your metal nozzle FeloniousGooch69 says: I have a booger on my screen, looks like it has legs
Santa looks over the gathering crowd of elves, “Who was responsible for programming the delivery system this year?” Looking for the right words the lone elf begins, "They decided that if some Naughty Girls and Boys got presents on Christmas that it might turn them nice. I'll tell one thing, those young girls have a lot energy that can really test guy, but those older gals sure could Jingle Old Santa's Bells.” Giving the elf a playful punch that sends him reeling into the snow, “If you know what I mean?” Running to catch up with Santa the elf queries, “So you really want the naughty girls on the list next year again?”
Clothes clinging to her as if their life depended on it, emphasising what looked like a perfectly proportioned chest. "Kimberly, you're needed in the back..." Some weasel faced 26 year old with a manager plate on his shirt, who may have been there all this time, was now trying to intervene. He was trying to safeguard those chances now by moving to wrestle Kimberly away... I was happy that I was in the process of successfully fending off a cock block, that Jason had bought my spur of the moment lie so well, and that he thought that we were smiling about the same thing. The momentary confused look passed, and he smiled a bit.
I tell Sherry that my mother needs to cut the apron strings and quit being so nosy, making her laugh. They are told about me and act like I was intruding on their turf. Sherry has to be polite and give a general response, telling them that I am a friend and that we are seeing each other. After awhile, she starts to put her foot down with her friends, reminding them that it is her place and that she wants more privacy. Sherry goes on to tell me that since she now has all of the needed measurements that she can now buy me things and know they will fit properly.
Next to laying my penis on top of the liverwurst, topped by the bread and jacking off with it, there ain't nothing better then with wax paper. It had been several weeks ago, while visiting a local nursery, I happen to run into Dionaea (Dione) Muscipula, my now new girl friend. Although looking for blue fescue seeds for the home terrace I was immediately smitten by her. Hurley (my best friend) was a medical school drop out in 1947 and now was Assistant Manager of Last Resort Car wash and was always featured as geriatric chamois and passenger side of the month employee. I thought it time for Hurley to look at her, seeing as he did have some medical schooling.